yeah
yeah, not doing very well. so ashamed that we have neglected my Champagne Tea.
Oh.... are you angry with me??? I do not blame you. I would hate me too. I just have no time to think about myselves. everything is always about someone else. husband, children and other crap that deals with them. I will stop bitching. I need a boost of self love, self acceptance, self care... just plain old SELF... yeah self EMPOWERMENT, yeah
Only One thing to say
Well yeah, I have only one thing to say.... WHY??? OK... this is the 411 about this. We had a very hard rain and for some strange reason.... our bathroom was leaking water from the ceiling. I know we need a new roof, but dang!!!
I could not find where the water was coming from when I looked around in the attic/dungeon. So.... I rigged up a device..... hehehehehehe... that would make the water trickle down into the sink. I am not a genius...but... I thought this was niffty. The water was coming from right above the medicine cabinet that is over the sink. This cabinet also has a light fixture above it and the water was getting into the globe. So.... I taped a piece of a plastic bag directly above the light and draped it down a little. Anyway, the water dripped directly into the sink. WAY COOL.
Next, where was this coming from??? I was coming down from the dungeon when I noticed a beam of light coming from a wall. I had never noticed a hole/crack in the wall before. Oh no... the detective work was ON. What and where and why is this light all about???
ANYWAY, I crawled into the crawl space in my dungeon... and beheld..... A GREAT BIG FAT HOLE IN THE ROOF... Oh shit... what now??? Screamed for the husband to look at this. Thank God it was not raining at the time. Well... the husband had to pull out the big ladder and climb up to the roof with only half of all the things he needed to patch this hole up. Yeap... so I made several trips up that tall ladder to give him stuff. I did not think about being scared. Who had the time. I needed to save my energy for climbing. I think I held on too tight to that ladder, because every inch of my body ACHED, even my fingertips.
Husband thinks a raccoon scratched and punched this hole into our home. But why??? Did he smell that lushious BBQ pork chops I cooked the beginning of last week, or was it the beef roast??? I do not understand that one. Husband thinks it was a raccoon because he saw a big poop on the roof. Like geesh,... he was that comfortable being on my roof that he shitted??? I mean like... some animals... geesh!!!
The hole was patched, I hope and pray good enough so water will not drop down into the bathroom again AND no animals can get in. Hey... I have another question.... did HE GET IN???
STOLEN TEARDROPS
STOLEN TEARDROPS
WOULD somebody please steal my teardrops. They are not lonely, I have plenty of them. They wait in anticipation for me to collect enough of them to weigh me down. Until then, they are hidden from my face ever watching the scales to tip in their favor. Oh they just love to be seen, heard, felt and tasted. They smell of rottening meat baking in the dry sun of show and tell. They love me. My teardrops have told me personally they would never leave me. If they were not sterile, they would have my child. They can't breed because they are only meant for me. With the passing of time, their flavor concentrate like a pot of broth boiling away under the heat of what ifs. Because of their density, I can't see clearly. Should I repress them, depress them or caress them???
COULD somebody please steal my teardrops. Somebody must steal them from me, because I can't give them away. I can't sell them, for they are priceless. I don't want them. Creep in from the middle of the night while I sleep and totally unaware and off guard. The alarms are off so your entry would be unannounced. Take them but leave me in peace. Leave no sign of where you came from or where you went. Put them on the black market and sell them to a deranged soul. Buyer beware!!!
Stolen sadness is such a joy.
MeMe
One wish
A very good friend of mine asked me a question. If I had one wish that would change my life for the better..... what would it be??? I thought this was a very good question, yet it made me sad. Basically, because I know the answer.
I WANT TO BE FREE!!! This marriage thingy makes me feel so buried. I have no say so in much. I wish I had some freedom. Not freedom to be lonely, no, but freedom to express myselves... all of us's. It is not fair, that the husband gets all of these rights and privileges that I do not have. He goes where he pleases, he talks and do whatever the hell he wants to, yet for me. I have to ask and beg sometimes for just the smallest of things.
I want to wear what I want, I want to do my nails how I want them done without Mr Husband getting in the way and saying something that hurts my feelings. WHY DO I HURT SO BAD when husband is not happy???
I want to not fear when husband comes home.... what is he going to say to me. I want to not fear when husband calls me.... This marriage is in serious trouble.
I want empowerment, to be able and yet do.... WHATEVER I want to.... of course within reasons... I have NEVER asked for much from him. Why is he treating me so badly??? I am beginning to not feel good at all. So... My wish would be to gain some independence and freedom. I want some freedom to explore my horizons and to discover the UNdiscovered self. I do not know who I am.... and I am #%&*! years old... geesh... I wish somebody would give me the strength needed to move. So scared. I am so scared of what would happen if I project myself OUTWARDLY. The husband would freak and call me names and make me feel so bad. FREEDOM is good yet very scarey for me. Freedom to explore new things without being questioned.... why do I want to do that or this. Then... my answer must seem logical to him.... not fair. I do not think like him. My thinking goes beyond his understanding of the universe. With many eyes whom I look out through.... geesh. The sky is the limites.... hmmm.... the sky is NOT the llimits.... lets try Pluto... heheheheheh
Bottom line... I want to be and feel FREE to do what I want without fear of rejection and negativity!!!! Sounds way cool
My Dear New Found Niece
Oh boy.... what a trip. I had mentioned before that after 19 years, my deceased brother's daughter appeared. (need to make sure I write this right, it is only 3:46am) Everyone thought that he died childless, however out of the blue my sister-inlaw called and told me... guess what, my husband/your brother did have a child.
Anyway, she (my niece) called me, and emailed me and she has just visited me and my other siblings here.
She told me she was anxious and happy to come and meet us for the very first time. I thought that was soooo cool and surely groovy. That brat!!! She tore her drawers.... big time. I was trying to understand with a much love and compassion I could monster up, hehehehehehe... why in the hell would she say these things.
My sister took days off of work and wanted to welcome her into the family by... (what else) throw her a big dinner. I was to bring my famous fruit salad and some type of dessert. OK... when she came... she would not sit down not only at the table but anywhere in the house, she did NOT eat one bite of anything. I told her about all the wonderful homemade from scratch cakes and banana pudding that my sister made just for her. And what did she say??? !!!
"THAT LOOKS NASTY" ..... like what bitch??? OOOooooH I was floored. She rolled her eyes too while saying this. I told her... it does NOT look nasty and it taste good.
Now... what manners of manners is this??? My sister can cook her butt off and the cakes looked like professionals made them and I tasted them..... WAY GOOD !!! So why would this niece of mine say this.... OK... word got out about her comments and she also showed her butt over my other sister's house where she was staying for her short visit. She was here for 4 days and she only ate cereal..... yeah... like for real !!! I do not understand it. HOWEVER... when she returned home, I did email her and told her that was not nice to insult people and etc etc etc. She has never appologized to me. Her excuse was.... "THAT IS JUST ME ", well she can keep herself to herself. Now no one here wants to be bothered with her at all. So.... true to form... I picked up the dropped flag and start marching with it. I know.... must stop doing this. But... I think she needs some help and unconditional love, yeah... a therapist and a boot.... heheheheheheh
MeMe
I wish
Yeah, I wish Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year. It aint, no not any more!!! Just too much to do, too much money to spend. The oldest daughter decided she was not going to do any shopping, so she PAID her youngest sister to shop for her. What??? what nerves is that??? Geesh, I wish I was that type of person that would go for that.... but... I am not.
My artificial tree has died, one string of lights has died also. I guess it is time to buy a new tree and lights for NEXT year.
I really do not know about next year. This year seems just soooo strange. I feel NOTHING. But I want to feel something. That joy and excitement of finding a good gift for the husband that you are very angry at..... feels weird.
I just wish things will work out beautiful and nice for this marriage I am in and this skin I am also in. Anyway... I got that stinky dead mouse OUT... yeap... I did it myself. Could not rely on the MAN of the mouse, oops I mean house....
i must learn how to love myself and all of myselves.... I have been soooo down... geesh woman... look up, look up, look up, stretch your eyes and see the wonder of this world and your future...
tell me my most youngest friend.... what do you feel, think and see??? Potential unmet but deserved, unfulfilled but capable, your worth honey... does way down deep in the pocket.
Whose pocket??? That beautiful being you have not met yet... that person will appear this upcoming year for you and you and you and all of us yous.
That sounds sooo exciting and wonderful, are you dreaming???
No... just takes some steps... in any direction... movement is the only requirement. You move girly girl... move my love... and see
Oh NO!!!
Well, from my last post... I mentioned about hearing noises from the roof line. WELL... shit... It was NOT raccoons or a cat.... but a mouse or a freaking rat!!! I am losing my mind. I am goiing crazy. Last Sunday night was a small earthquake was scarey all by itself... then I heard some noises in the dungeon (attic)... no mistake something had gotten in. We had some D-Con... mice/rat poison in a crawlspace in the dungeon.... I looked at it and ALL OF IT WAS GONE!!! Oh God.... YOU said you love me.... why must I suffer like this??? Yeap... I can not take all of this stress. Yesterday... for 2 minutes.... I almost did it. I almost harmed myself beyond repair.... I CAN NOT TAKE ALL OF THIS FUCKING STRESS. It is raining buckets of dogs and cats... so bad was this rain.... that my chandelier was leaking water!!! Too scared to turn on that light. Geesh.... god GOD God please have mercy on me. I do not know how I am still here. But... oh well. I am still here.... but why??? So fucking frustrated about sooo many things.
I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers and tons of nieces and nephews... but it really seems llike I only have 1 sister and 1 brother... geesh man.... like why???
OK... how did this mouse/rat get in??? My roof leaks big time... the husband just won't do a damn ass thing around the house. I told him..... years ago.... we need a new roof. Oh no... he has to argue about doing a complete makeover on our home and move out while it is being made-over. WHy dude??? Fix the roof first!!! Fix the roof first!!! Fix the roof first!!! This is stupid and illogical to argue and worry about a makeover when the roof leaks and mice are getting inside the home.... DUDE wake up...
Must relax... must chill.... must sleep.... I am toast like... allllllll over!!! Can't takke much more of this crap (my life) just can't...
I know... if I survive... I will feel ashame about what I have just written... so ashame and guilty that I feel this way..... just too bad I guess. So lonely and insecure and scared, soooo scared!!!
Every little noise I hear... I am thinking rat... rat... rat... I can not even draw from a cigarette ... it sounds like some rat is ruffling some papers.......... so scared.... God have mercy on me, please...
